Avengers: Real World – What if the Avengers had real jobs?

From Captain America’s boy scout spirit to Scarlet Witches’ completely authentic, believable accent, the Avengers have really cemented their foothold in the realm of cinema.  Awhile ago, it was announced there were to be two Avengers movies filming back-to-back. It was then announced that the first one would be Avengers: Infinity War; leaving the second for us to just speculate what it will be called and what, more importantly, it will be about.

Well, look no further! Turns out that after an infinite war, the Avengers decide to hang up their capes and pursue more quiet lives. That’s right! Wouldn’t you want to just relax on the couch, turn on some Netflix and binge the latest Gilmore Girls season after an infinite war?  The fourth Avengers movie is reportedly called, Avengers: Real World and it follows the Avengers as they tackle the average day-to-day life as a citizen of the earth.  Take this report with a grain of salt as it comes from the same place Donald Trump got the wiretapping info. Let’s break down the Avengers’ new roles in society!

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Captain America a.k.a Steve Rogers a.k.a Walmart Greeter

Steve, being a World War II veteran, found himself really struggling on how to make it into the fast paced world of the twenty-first century. Sure, he’s fought aliens and stopped covert spy organizations from taking over the world but when you don’t know how to even use Microsoft Word, what can you do?

Captain.jpgThere are many things Steve loves about the job. He loves making $8.00 an hour whereas he might earn that much in a week of shining shoes back in Brooklyn.  Paid breaks? Why back in his day, breaks were for those who didn’t want to eat the next day! A lot of the newly-single widows will flirt with him too and after Peggy, he could use some antiquated love.  Also, for a couple of days, he found himself mesmerized by the automatic doors.

Of course, with such a job, there are things of which he is not so fond. Like, why is the establishment open on the Lord’s day? Women are shopping and using money they earned THEMSELVES? Where are their husbands? Steve, being the polite man he is, does not voice these qualms except at the local pub after work where he throws darts with a man named Jonah Gleeson. Jonah, tatted on both arms and all over his bald head, is not normally someone  with whom Steve would associate. However, Jonah often nods in agreement with the Captain’s sentiments. He says it’s just nice to have someone who listens.

Wanda Maximoff a.k.a Scarlet Witch a.k.a Hot Topic Sales Associate

Wanda never really had time to mourn the death of her brother. One moment he was sporting his track suit alive and the next he was sporting it with bullet holes – not so alive. Ever since the first time she bought a stylish ruby red leather jacket from Hot Topic, she knew she wanted to work there. It was a place where others who had experienced loss shopped. Sure, her coworker Susie Jones only really lost her boyfriend of 3 months, Derek but Wanda could tell by her thoughts how devastated she truly was.

ScarletWitch

Wanda has really come to identify with the patrons of the store and even the broken down parents dragged into the store by them. Her favorite part of the job is the screaming music. She does not really know what they are saying, but she identifies with the screaming part as she does so internally. She also likes how helpful she can be. Instead of having to get a ladder to get items down from the shelves, she can just use her telekinesis. Her boss even said that if she keeps up the good work, she might be up for a raise! Of course, knowing her luck, she believes that a bomb or machine gun turret will ruin those chances.

Bruce Banner a.k.a The Hulk a.k.a Struggling Lifestyle Coach

Ever since Bruce’s accident, he has struggled to connect with his own emotions. It was always easy to get mad but after counseling, he learned this was due to his inability to cope with other emotions. Through years of work, Bruce found a passion for others. He has become a lifestyle coach and unfortunately, he’s just not very good at it. Thankfully, he has learned to control his anger but now he needs to learn how to cope with his sadness.

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In one of his client’s sessions, Bruce broke down mid-sentence and became a pink blob of goo called the Sulk. The Sulk’s only true power is its ability to throw pity parties to which no one wanted an invite but he’ll drag you into one with the force of a semi-truck.

Bruce still sees Natasha Romanoff from time to time. She has grown increasingly distant though. It’s like she doesn’t even try to understand the complex human Bruce is. Bruce believes once he completes his self-help book entitled, From Hulk to Hunk, things will turn around.

Natasha Romanoff a.k.a Black Widow a.k.a Starbucks Barista

It is tough to find work as an ex-assassin. Thankfully, Starbucks in 2017 began a program to hire 10,000 ex-assassins by 2022. Sure, it was met with backlash about Starbucks not hiring veterans instead  but she could not complain about having an actual job opportunity.

Natasha gets along great with all the other employees. She did have a bit of trouble with Mikey Joe Flannagan, her 17-year-old supervisor, but no one has heard from him in a couple of weeks since their big tiff at work. One of Natasha’s favorite things to do is write customer’s names wrong when they’re rude and also break their legs after hours.

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Natasha keeps talking about owning her own franchise someday. The other baristas always ask if she means a coffee shop to which she responds after wistfully looking up towards the sky, “Yeah, sure. I guess.”

???? a.k.a Arrow Guy a.k.a Camp Counselor/Substitute P.E. Teacher

Hawkeye

This guy became a substitute P.E. Teacher and a Summer Camp Counselor. He calls up his old buddies from the Avengers but either no one answers or they tell him that he must have the wrong number. Also, no one understands why he keeps introducing himself as “Hot Guy”. How conceited can this guy get?!

Thor a.k.a Politician

Thor settled down on earth and when he saw how poorly the world was ran, he decided to step up and do something about it. His natural disconnect from humanity made becoming a politician an organic choice. Using Mjölnir, he often causes rainstorms and lightening to storm out his opponents’ rallies.

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There is a large movement for Thor to run for President in 2020. Trump keeps accusing the Avengers, namely Thor, of leaking his ties with Hydra which to him is a much more egregious crime. Lately, Trump has been pushing that Thor does not have a legitimate birth certificate to which Thor replies, “Birth? What is this birth?”

Tony Stark a.k.a Iron Man a.k.a. Ghost Trolling an Apple Store

When Tony Stark sacrificed himself at the end of Infinity War (Oops! Spoiler alert!), he did not realize that he would be damned as a specter over a local Apple Store. Every time he tries to leave, he ends up back at the Genius Bar. The only thing Tony can do to pass his eternal punishment is try to get Siri to insult random customers as they walk by or stalk Pepper Pott’s Facebook page. Every time a new iPhone drops, Tony materializes so he can buy it.  He might be dead, but he’s still capable of keeping up with the living.

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