You left the theater in 2015 – high on the fact you just watched the Millennium Falcon barrel roll through a fallen Star Destroyer, Han Solo being a curmudgeon smuggler with a heart of gold and a girl awakening to her true destiny. Sipping your soda and scrounging that popcorn bag for any remaining kernels, you tell your friends (acquaintances who were nice enough to let you come along) how awesome the movie was, how you might even rank it above Return of the Jedi and how Kylo Ren stopping that blaster fire in mid-air was epic.
A month later, while trying to use a wet paper towel to remove dusty Dorito powder on your only pair of jeans, you typed on a Subreddit how you hate The Force Awakens. It’s derivative of the Original trilogy, you said, and you complained it needed to be more original. Your comments were met with loud praise from other contrarian Redditors. You stated that Kylo Ren was a weak villain, that Rey is a Mary Sue, that Han Solo was too much a curmudgeon and that Chewbacca should have looked more aged. You also complained about Finn not given a reason to defect from the First Order, how Poe Dameron living should have been explained and how it was too convenient for Maz Kanata to have Luke’s original blue lightsaber.
You spent hours arguing with those that enjoyed the movie. Their arguments that the similar plot points are a very common thing among sequels and especially Star Wars movies have been met with your reckless abandon and fervor for the galaxy far, far away.
Your main source of nutrients have become Taco Bell, Doritos and Donuts. You started listening to Linkin Park, while debating with other people on the internet why originality in Star Wars is so important. By the third song that sounds exactly like the last two, you booted up the prequels – movies you have hated for years – and started to defend them. “Yeah, the acting is bad and the writing is terrible and nothing makes sense but at least they aren’t trying to be the original trilogy,” you wrote on the subreddit, “Movies”. This is of course after years of you stating how the prequels should have been more like the original trilogy.
Now almost two years removed from the movie and with the release of Rogue One, you still do not feel satisfied. Not enough people understand your deep understanding of why The Force Awakens is the plague to humanity. It’s like, how can they enjoy a movie that has good pacing, great characters, an interesting set up for future movies!? Your friend, Mikey Joe Flannigan, still even watches The Force Awakens now and again. He even goes as far as saying that the movie is his third favorite Star Wars movie! You contemplate how to build a lightsaber or if you are force sensitive yourself to do a Jedi Mind Trick. That’s another thing. You say you hated how Rey learned so quickly to do a Jedi Mind Trick.
The Force Awakens didn’t even have Luke Skywalker in it aside from his staredown.
Kylo Ren was so weak during that last fight!*
Rey knows how to do too many things!**
Captain Phasma does not even do anything!
You will continue to defend your stance against The Force Awakens. Until of course, The Last Jedi trailer drops…
*Kylo Ren was shot by Chewie’s Bowcaster. Something that was established throughout the movie (through visual storytelling, no less) as being a powerful weapon! To say Kylo Ren was weak during the fight is stupid. Finn was on the defensive the whole time and Rey only got the best of him because he got too arrogant.
**Rey is a scavenger. She scavenges technology from fallen ships. One could assume she’d learn about what the things she scavenges do. Also, when flying the Falcon, she is very clumsy about it – often hitting things as she goes past them even. Also, it is not until she starts to learn how to embrace her force nature does she become better. Kylo Ren even says that they cannot allow her to learn of her true power after she escapes.