Electronic Arts announced an original property earlier today: Video Game Update: The Video Game! Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson stated the game bolsters an impressive amount of game play hours. “It really is unlimited. It just depends on how long you’re willing to play.”
Wilson said he hesitated initially when he was originally pitched the game from acclaimed video game designer, Bernd Diemer, who designed such classics like Battlefront II (not the good one). “His pitch was just one game mechanic,” Wilson stated. “Admittedly, I was not sold until he told me about the DLC packages.”
Diemer explained the impressively complicated DLC/Loot Box/Patch system. “Players will be subject to update screens. Their progress is dependent on the version they are updating in game. If they want, they can purchase an exclusive loot box that will possibly give them a beta version that would be much harder to achieve by just grinding through update after update.
Diemer said that the loot boxes will also contain rewards for those who earn a duplicate itme. “If you receive a duplicate patch, you may get a customize-able feature in its place like a new theme for the loading screen of me and Andrew swimming in your money, for example.”
“The only way you can lose the game is if you select to start the application without updating,” Wilson said. “This will just take you back to your console’s home screen. This is the sign of a truly weak minded individual.”
“The game play gets really crazy when the game actually needs an update,” Diemer said as his gold-plated smile creased his face from ear to ear.
The game is expected to launch early 2018 and Electronic Arts expects to support it until hell freezes over.
The 2018 patch update launched on January 1st at midnight and so far the patch, while containing promising potential, feels vaguely just the same as last year’s horrendous update that was version 2017. Of course, there were very mixed reviews for the 2017 patch and 2018 really does not address many of the users’ concerns with the previous update. Version 2018, however, does have the promise of changes in the middle of the year dependent upon a user poll. Of course, not all users will be happy with any type of user-feedback based update.
Let’s breakdown some of the potential the 2018 update has over the 2017 update.
As with any previous update, users have the opportunity to update their avatars or pursue new endeavors. Most users begin this process within the first couple of weeks but many abandon this feature as the daily grinding required can be tedious. The opportunity provided though from such an update is an always welcome one.
Item and Equipment Updates
Of course, with every update comes improvements to various items and equipment that can be obtained through acquiring a daily skill trade (more on that later) in exchange for currency. The downside to these updates is that they are premium content and don’t just come with the update. If you plan on upgrading your Apple Devices in your inventory, for example, make sure to save a good amount of money for something with little added benefits from the previous rendition.
There is not really a major change in any of the social interfaces. With each update, users seem to have more of a difficult time participating in social functions outside their designated spaces; however, as a result of the item and equipment updates, some social meters can be temporarily satisfied through social applications. Unfortunately, these stimulates tend to leave the user feeling isolated and in a state of despair. Certain users have been known to disconnect themselves from such interfaces in hopes of expanding their community parameters. However, they always come back. Always.
The 2018 update has been in effect for less than 24 hours and there have been no scanda–Wait. What’s that? Famous Youtuber Logan Paul did something awful. Well, never mind then.
No quick money cheat codes that do not result in potential permanent user ban or temporary restrictions
Users seem to just be getting more dumb and worse with each update
Culinary options to keep your energy meter going may actually be depleting your life’s HP
No Half-Life 3
2018 to feature Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again as if we did not learn from
the 2008 update
No update to NPCs that software regulations that fail to provide users with enjoyable experience (potential to update during 2018 user polls)
Still no hover cars despite being promised for the past 30 or more updates
That skill trade promotion went to Derrick Smith, that total kiss ass from marketing
Albuquerque, NM — Frederick Wilson, 32, watched the anime movie Your Name on Thursday night and failed to cry. His domestic partner, Patty Jenkins, 29, said she witnessed the lack of tears from Wilson through a somewhat blurred vision of her own due to a constant stream of tears.
“It was pretty clear he was not crying,” Jenkins said, “I am not sure what to make of this.” Jenkins went on to say that the two are currently living apart as they work through this trying time.
Wilsons’ neighbor, Tommy Chesterton, 28, said he is concerned he and his family may be living next to a psychopath. “My wife and I are considering putting our house on sale,” Chesterton said. “What kind of sick individual does not even get teary eyed at the ending of that beautiful, majestic [inaudible due to a sudden emotional breakdown]?”
In November, it was reported Wilson failed to shed a single tear during Pixar’s COCO. He also has been witnessed failing to cry during the first ten minutes of Up and the entirety of Finding Nemo. Wilson will be subject to a psych evaluation on Monday where he will be subjected to movies such as Marley and Me,Toy Story 3 and The Notebook.
Dunkirk, a very well crafted period piece by the visionary director Christopher Nolan, may possibly be the worst Batman movie ever. During my viewing of the movie, the real life story of the battle and evacuation of Dunkirk, I was disappointed to find that Batman has less screen time than he had in The Dark Knight Rises. Sure, there is fantastic cinematography and very excellent performances. Never has Tom Hardy been so thrilling in a vehicle since his turn in the underrated Locke; however, the decision to cast Tom Hardy in a new role in the Nolan Batman Cinematic Universe (NBCU) was a strange one. Cillian Murphy even makes an appearance as a shellshocked British soldier which is a departure from his Scarecrow role. I think for the most part it worked; at least, when I became accustomed to the changes, that is.
I feel the villains of the film could have been better defined. I felt the tension they created by shooting at the heroes and there were a couple of missed opportunities for Batman to come save the day, but we never saw their faces. It was clear Harry Styles was playing the Joseph Gordon-Levitt character from the third movie in the NBCU and I feel, despite his lack of background in acting, he did a pretty good job. Although I think his motivations were a little contrary to the way the character had been portrayed previously.
It has been an odd journey now that we are two movies deeper into the NBCU (Interstellar, being the first after The Dark Knight Rises) without actually seeing the titular character in either. While I feel both Interstellar and Dunkirk are great movies in their own right, the decision to not even feature the hero we need is a bold direction albeit a misdirected one.
Interstellar at least worked on an allegorical level about how space is the void we feel without Batman and how in time we will find him again. I don’t want to say I don’t get Dunkirk on a metaphorical level at the risk of sounding naive but I feel its message as it relates to Batman is definitively unclear and messy. Maybe in repeat viewings Christopher Nolan’s vision for the character will become more clear. For now, it is the worst Batman movie since Batman & Robin, which is the best Terminatormovie ironically.
LA JUNTA, CO — Derrick Stapleton, 25, has been permanently banned from saying “Merry Christmas” as he greeted someone with the phrase on December 26th, 2017 — 364 days early. Witnesses of the transgression state he was wearing an ugly Christmas sweater while gleefully drinking hot cocoa. He also had earbuds in that were “blasting Christmas music”, some witnesses reported.
Stapleton defended his erroneous ways, stating, “I was just so excited because it had been so long since we could say the phrase. With the war on that phrase being over, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to say it.” He also said he was just wishing his neighbor a “belated” Merry Christmas like one might for a birthday. The neighbor, John Dell, 34, said that while he did not mind the gesture, it was the principle of the matter.
“[Derrick] has a tendency to pull [expletive] like this. Two weeks ago he came to my door with a blanket over his [expletive] head and yelled, “Trick or treat” and then he was upset when I only gave him a tootsie roll,” Dell said. “Damn kid only deserves a tootsie roll for that kind of sick behavior.”
Dell said he was glad that Derrick was banned from using the phrase. “How can you expect someone to respect the rule of law when they can’t even respect proper holiday greeting ettiquette?”
Stapleton said that he would appeal the decision to ban him; a process that could take 6 months that would ultimately be reviewed by the President himself. “I hope I can start saying that phrase again by at least July when I plan on putting my Christmas lights up,” Stapleton said.
Spoilers, if you care, for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales…Might save you from watching this movie if you read anyway.
You are at a Red Box outside of Walgreens. You have a promo code for a rent one, get one free. You rent a decent seeming action movie like Atomic Blonde and then there is not really anything else so you select Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. You liked the first movie and Javier Bardem has made an interesting villain in the past (See No Country for Old Men and Skyfall). You go inside Walgreens, pick up a bag of Cheetos, some beef jerky and some rum. If you’re going to watch a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you might as well embrace your inner Jack Sparrow – *Ahem* – your inner CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.
You stumble into your home and you turn on your gaming console that doubles and is mostly used as a DVD/Blu-Ray Player. You start up the movie, sip some rum, accidentally watch previews for upcoming Disney re-releases as you fumble to skip them and then finally you hit play.
The movie begins and you see a young boy stealing something. You tuned out within the first few minutes because you got a notification about some Twitter feed highlights. Usually you ignore them, but you’re not really doing anything better at the moment.
You look back at your screen to see Orlando Bloom floundering like a fish as he attempts to act. You realize the young boy must be his son and you wonder when that happened as he’s been a fish captain for awhile. You start to drink the rum as you begin experiencing…
The five stages of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
You sink into the couch as you sip your rum, eat your cheetos and chew on some beef jerky. This is your lot in life. You did not choose to get the rent one, get one free promo — it chose you. You are condemned to watching the movie so you might as well turn off your brain and enjoy it. You get to the part where Jack Sparrow -*Ahem*- CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow is robbing a bank and is too drunk to remember what he is doing. You feel a smile form and you immediately feel shame. British people try to shoot at Jack but are somehow even dumber than this very dumb dummy head and they miss.
You are okay with this. You must be. It’s okay, you tell yourself as you almost choke on half-chewed jerky. You sip some rum to push it down. Then Jack’s lackeys use some horses to pull the vault from the other side. Instead of the vault breaking through the walls, the horses begin to pull the entire bank building. You think this may be the dumbest thing you have ever seen and you slip into…
You set down the rum. It is not enough for the abyss you now dwell within your mind. Your life is a sinking ship without some deus ex machina to save you. You wipe Cheeto dust on your shirt because nothing matters anymore.
You begin looking at your phone. You think to yourself that there are worse things you could be enduring. You think of orphans in third world countries and you pray they have not been subjected to this movie. Their lives are bad enough, you say to yourself. At this moment, Jack Sparrow is being rejected by his remaining crew…he goes and trades his magic compass for a drink. Turns out the magic compass is somehow holding back ghost Javier Bardem from going outside of a certain area of the sea, because reasons. This just slips you into a deeper, more sorrowful depression. You now wish you were the orphan child that never would see or had seen a moment of this movie. You get to the scene where Jack is about to be executed. You begin to…
His neck is in a guillotine. You see the lever, the bulky masked executioner with his hand on it and you begin to talk to the screen. You tell the man, if he somehow does not screw this situation up in some contrived manner, that you will take him out to dinner. You will make him a plaque and make sure every child on every side of the globe knows his name. You begin chewing the remaining jerky furiously. Suddenly, your dreams are crushed as someone comes to save Jack. It causes the guillotine to start to spin wildly at a vertical angle. The guillotine rises and falls with gravity and you think that maybe, just maybe this will be it. This will be the end of Jack Sparrow and you can then enjoy the movie.
Every time the blade of the guillotine falls back and does not commit, you scream for justice. Your Cheetos are now a crushed powder due to your clenched fists. You realize that you have sold your soul to something worse than the devil when Jack lives through the situation. You become so enraged. You have never felt so much…
You are so close to turning off the movie and breaking the disc. You don’t care if you have to pay for it if it saves just one person from watching this atrocity. You resist. You can’t let this movie win. You can’t let Jack Sparrow have the last laugh. You take a big swig of your rum, snort your Cheeto powder and you chew off a big piece of Jerky with such fury that you may have ate one of your teeth by mistake.
You begin live tweeting about the movie. You use hashtags like #JackSpareUsFromAnotherPiratesMovie and #PiratesoftheCaribhasbeens. You laugh manically to yourself. Your 63 follows quickly diminish as you rage tweet but you do not care. This is war.
You finally reach the credits and you enter the final phase. You are in…
You look at your phone’s clock. No way you just wasted precious hours of your life watching that garbage. You start to think to yourself that at least, at the very least the movie was over and that there would never be another one. They ended all the curses after all. You are amazed you even knew that as in your blind rage during the third act, you only watched about two minutes of the movie. Without any curses, there will be no reason for another movie. You breathe a sigh of relief. You will never have to watch another Pirates of the Caribbean movie aga–
–Wait, what’s this? An end credits scene!? It can’t be. Your eyes fixate to your screen in terror. You see Will Turner and Kierra Knightly’s character (Bella Swan or something) and your mouth is gaping, your eyes are bulging and your palms are sweating. A shadow emerges into the room and it is clearly Davey Jones. It is a dream, but it isn’t really. You realize they are going to make more of these movies. You wish to be cursed to live the rest of your days in the middle of the ocean as far away as possible. As long as you still can have Cheetos.
SPOILERS WARNING. Turn back now if you have not seen The Last Jedi. A lot this won’t make sense.
You are sitting in your car. Your emotions are in conflict. You feel like Kylo Ren, except you have spilled popcorn kernels on your shirt and you aren’t shredded like him. You start your car, you just need to drive. The process has begun and you will not be the same man once it has ended. You stop at a gas station. Lord knows you need some comfort food to get through this. They’re all out of Cheetos though so you settle for some Cool Ranch Doritos but it’s just not the same.
You are experiencing the 5 stages of The Last Jedi.
That can’t be it. There is so much more that you were expecting. You wanted, no, NEEDED a thirty minute expository scene that revealed one of your countless Snoke theories to be correct even if it did not impact the story in anyway. And Rey just being the daughter of some junk traders? How then, a girl, could she be good at anything? It’s like as if she had to find ways to survive on a barren planet for ten or more years of her life? Surely, she wouldn’t have had developed skills! And Luke, he was infallible in the original trilogy! Like how he dismissed Yoda, or almost killed his father in a fit of rage! He would NEVER even have a moment of temptation to do something terrible, even if he thought in that moment it would save millions of lives! Not my Luke Skywalker!
You suck some of the Cool Ranch Dorito dust off your fingers as you turn up the Dashboard Confessional song that is just hitting home in that moment. You sing a long to the words, out of key. The words carry a heavy weight in your heart as you sob silently about how Leia could never use the force even in a desperate situation. Also, you always thought that people just blew up in space despite science stating otherwise.
You find yourself on Twitter, reading hashtag posts about how Rian Johnson and Disney have destroyed your childhood. You write out a tweet about how you feel personally betrayed that Snoke bit it and that the movie dared to have humor in it. How dare Poe Dameron, a serious space pilot toy with the enemy in such a manner!? And then there’s Rose… you contemplate how to tackle her character and you settle by comparing her to the oft rightfully hated Jar Jar Binks despite the characters sharing no inherent qualities and actually being kind of a neat, world-expanding character in the Star Wars Universe. You chastise “fans” for liking the movie and you make sure the director of this travesty knows how much you hate him and his movie. You laugh to yourself as you wipe Cool Ranch Dorito dust off your touch screen. It is really stuck on there as if it became a paste while you typed furiously.
And then you remember Luke and how he thinks the Jedi tradition should end. You realize that somehow undoes the original trilogy despite the fact that stories are not static, they continue on and evolve as real history does. How could they have Luke experience a character arc without him having a real, full fledged lightsaber fight!? Just then, you remember the Porgs and how they were marketed as a big part of the movie and though you hated them before, you hate them now because they weren’t a big part of the movie. You also think that Chewie should have ate that Porg. Chewie deserves to eat a good Porg, you say as you stuff your face with the last two Cool Ranch Dorito chips.
Some reddit commenters have the right idea, you think to yourself. One person said it should have been Admiral Ackbar, your favorite internet meme, on that kamikaze space ship. That would have made that already cool moment exponentially better, right? You also think the hacker guy should have been Lando. It would have made so much sense that the character who lead the second Death Star run was just at some casino while the rest of the galaxy was fighting.
You also start to say, “If only they had cut the casino part of the movie entirely, that’d make the movie better.” You ask yourself what the point of that whole thing was because they failed their mission in every way. It couldn’t be that the movie has a whole theme about failure, you say to yourself. You also fantasize about how Rey should have turned to the dark side, leaving Luke to become the hero you once loved despite the story being about the new characters and not the old. You start an online petition, asking Disney to remove the movie from official canon and let George Lucas remake the new trilogy. “George would never allow such a character like Rose, the new Jar Jar Binks, to exist,” you write in the petition’s description.
You arrive at home. You sit in silence for a little bit. Your heart is broken. The movie you made in your head shattered. You look out the window of your car and you see an empty, vacant world. You shake the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos at your face, hoping for any remaining crumbs to bring you satisfaction. All you wanted was Luke to fight Snoke and die trying. Yet, that was not given to you. So many movies have cool moments that you always imagined and yet, your favorite space movie gave you different ones. You contemplate writing poetry, only to realize the only thing that rhymes with Yoda is “soda” and that does not fit the tone of it all.
This world, you don’t recognize it. It’s a cruel, pale imitation of something familiar. You contemplate going to an island, thinking maybe that will be the only way for the truth you now know to come to realization. That it is time for Star Wars…to end. You realize that is a bit too extreme as you still love the Original Trilogy and Rogue One (because that movie didn’t add or subtract anything from the original trilogy).
You get out of your car. You realize as you walk into your home that everything you love is still there. You find a bag of Cheetos in your pantry and now your fingers are covered in both Cheeto dust and Cool Ranch Dorito dust. You wonder why no one has ever combined the flavors. You go online, buy another ticket for The Last Jedi as you are obligated to see the movie at least three more times to validate your deep hatred for it. You drink the remaining Root Beer that you bought before the movie. It’s watered down and tastes how you imagine The Last Jedi should have tasted: a watered down version of the movies you had loved since you were a child.
You realize in that moment that maybe it is okay if other people liked the movie. Maybe they are still true Star Wars fans just as you are even though you didn’t like it. Maybe there are more than one type of story that can be enjoyed and just because it is not your cup of tea does not mean it is an invalid story to tell. You put your phone down and you put on the movies you adore just as a small child embraces a stuffed Porg, smiling from ear to ear as he walks out of a theater.
Author’s Disclaimer: SPOILERS. Don’t read if you haven’t watched the movie.
A couple was seen walking out of the Regal Cinemas Theater in West Side Albuquerque, having a one way discussion of their recent viewing of the DC Cinematic Epic titled Wonder Woman. The man, described as having shoulders connected directly to his head unnaturally and a tribal tattoo on each limb, explained to his girlfriend that her favorite part must be the No Man’s Land sequence.
“You see babe, the cool thing about that sequence is that like everyone was telling her, ‘You can’t do it! No one can! It’s impossible!'” the boyfriend said, pausing for just a moment for dramatic effect, “then she did it.”
The girlfriend stared straight ahead, her facial expression unwavering as she gave subtle nods signaling agreement. “Also, it’s No Man’s Land, not No Woman’s Land,” he said, gasping at his own brilliance as he dumped his in hand protein shake down his esophagus.
“Did you see how it was a woman saving the man in the movie? Not just like emotionally or spiritually either, but like physically. You never see that in movies.” He said. “You had to have felt so empowered, babe, and just like ready to take on the challenges you must face every day as a woman.”
The boyfriend continued to explain that it was great the villain was a man. “It was a metaphor for taking down the guys who think they know better just because they’re dudes, babe. Like, how cool that must be for you to see something like that play out in a super hero movie, babe.”
“Down with the patriarchy, am I right, babe?” he said, pumping a single fist into the air.
As they approached their car, the girlfriend was overheard asking if she could drive to which the boyfriend was heard saying, “A woman driving? AS IF.”
In a recent interview, Michael Bay stated there were 14 more movie ideas for his beloved Transformer series after his upcoming epic, The Last Knight. Of course, Bay made sure to clarify he would be only interested in perhaps directing a spinoff, implicitly implying he is mortal. Now there have been rumblings Bay has found a means to clone himself to create all 14 Transformer movies at the same time.
“One upside is that each clone seems to progressively love explosions even more than I do,” Bay said as he lit a firecracker attached to a Bumblebee action figure. “I didn’t think that were possible.”
In fact, this is even reflected in the titles of the upcoming Transformer movies:
Transformers: Gridlock by O.G. Micheal Bay
Transformers 6: The Big Bang by Michael Bay 2
Transformers 7: Prime Time by Michael Bay 3
Transformers 8: Pride and Pre-justice by Michael Bay 4 (likes to go by Bay-Bay)
Transformers: Bumblebee and the Very Bad, Terrible, Awful Explosion by Michael Bay 5
Transformers 9: The Last Knight for the Second Time by Michael Bay 6
Transformers 10: I Explode, You Explode, We All Explode by Michael Bay 7
Transformers Explosion by Michael Bay 8
Transformers 11: Blow It to Kingdom Come By Michael “Dynamite” Bay 9
Transformers 12: TNT by Michael Bay 10
Transformers 13: Explodey Explosion by Michael Bay 11
Explosions 14: The Final Explosion by President Michael Bay 12 (This Michael Bay becomes president. His foreign policy, surprisingly, works great!)
Explosions: The Second Final Explosion by Michael Bay 13
Explosions Infinite by Michael Bay 14 (The movie is literally just a two hour explosion)
Bay’s producing team did state he was going too far; however, Bay replaced them with additional clones of himself.
You left the theater in 2015 – high on the fact you just watched the Millennium Falcon barrel roll through a fallen Star Destroyer, Han Solo being a curmudgeon smuggler with a heart of gold and a girl awakening to her true destiny. Sipping your soda and scrounging that popcorn bag for any remaining kernels, you tell your friends (acquaintances who were nice enough to let you come along) how awesome the movie was, how you might even rank it above Return of the Jedi and how Kylo Ren stopping that blaster fire in mid-air was epic.
A month later, while trying to use a wet paper towel to remove dusty Dorito powder on your only pair of jeans, you typed on a Subreddit how you hate The Force Awakens. It’s derivative of the Original trilogy, you said, and you complained it needed to be more original. Your comments were met with loud praise from other contrarian Redditors. You stated that Kylo Ren was a weak villain, that Rey is a Mary Sue, that Han Solo was too much a curmudgeon and that Chewbacca should have looked more aged. You also complained about Finn not given a reason to defect from the First Order, how Poe Dameron living should have been explained and how it was too convenient for Maz Kanata to have Luke’s original blue lightsaber.
You spent hours arguing with those that enjoyed the movie. Their arguments that the similar plot points are a very common thing among sequels and especially Star Wars movies have been met with your reckless abandon and fervor for the galaxy far, far away.
Your main source of nutrients have become Taco Bell, Doritos and Donuts. You started listening to Linkin Park, while debating with other people on the internet why originality in Star Wars is so important. By the third song that sounds exactly like the last two, you booted up the prequels – movies you have hated for years – and started to defend them. “Yeah, the acting is bad and the writing is terrible and nothing makes sense but at least they aren’t trying to be the original trilogy,” you wrote on the subreddit, “Movies”. This is of course after years of you stating how the prequels should have been more like the original trilogy.
Now almost two years removed from the movie and with the release of Rogue One, you still do not feel satisfied. Not enough people understand your deep understanding of why The Force Awakens is the plague to humanity. It’s like, how can they enjoy a movie that has good pacing, great characters, an interesting set up for future movies!? Your friend, Mikey Joe Flannigan, still even watches The Force Awakens now and again. He even goes as far as saying that the movie is his third favorite Star Wars movie! You contemplate how to build a lightsaber or if you are force sensitive yourself to do a Jedi Mind Trick. That’s another thing. You say you hated how Rey learned so quickly to do a Jedi Mind Trick.
The Force Awakens didn’t even have Luke Skywalker in it aside from his staredown.
Kylo Ren was so weak during that last fight!*
Rey knows how to do too many things!**
Captain Phasma does not even do anything!
You will continue to defend your stance against The Force Awakens. Until of course, The Last Jedi trailer drops…
*Kylo Ren was shot by Chewie’s Bowcaster. Something that was established throughout the movie (through visual storytelling, no less) as being a powerful weapon! To say Kylo Ren was weak during the fight is stupid. Finn was on the defensive the whole time and Rey only got the best of him because he got too arrogant.
**Rey is a scavenger. She scavenges technology from fallen ships. One could assume she’d learn about what the things she scavenges do. Also, when flying the Falcon, she is very clumsy about it – often hitting things as she goes past them even. Also, it is not until she starts to learn how to embrace her force nature does she become better. Kylo Ren even says that they cannot allow her to learn of her true power after she escapes.