Finn’s Journey and Why Canto Bight is Necessary

Spoilers for The Last Jedi

The discourse about Star Wars: The Last Jedi has, if nothing else, revealed the toxicity of fandom. It is either man babies crying over the various strong women who dominate the movie or Star Wars mega-nerds saying the movie does not understand Luke Skywalker and everything else in between. While I do believe the hate for this movie is mostly just a very vocal minority, there has been a common complaint about the movie even from those who say they enjoyed it: Canto Bight.

“It’s pointless,” some say. “It doesn’t feel like Star Wars,” others cry out into the void. “It slows the movie down,” more thoughtful people might complain.

I am going to make an argument for it. One that may cause you to not continue reading, but I hope you’ll hear me out. It might just change your mind. Might. I don’t expect it to as I don’t expect you to change mine. Canto Bight along with the rest of Finn’s storyline in The Last Jedi is not only the most pivotal part of the saga for Finn so far but it is the most consequential storyline for the new trilogy.

I. Traitor

The Force Awakens introduces us to storm trooper FN-2817 during a raid on a village. This is his first battle and after the First Order quarters the village, he can’t bring himself to pull the trigger on the defenseless. At best, Finn is a character made with high moral fiber; however, it turns out that is not the case. He can’t bring himself to kill and he can’t bring himself to save. He may not pull the trigger but he lets the villagers die. He is a afraid. He doesn’t want to follow orders; he wants to run. He doesn’t want to fight; he wants to hide. He wants to remove himself from the equation.

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During his escape, he begins to strip the monotonous identity of a storm trooper and he is given the name of Finn. He belongs to no one now and though he attempts to honor someone who helped him, he only goes halfway. When the opportunity arises, he will leave. It is the one thing at which he is truly skilled.

He has his opportunity when he gets to Maz Kanata’s castle. Except there is one thing he has come to care for, a friendship he hadn’t thought possible. Someone who sees him and sees a hero, sees his potential. (Part of what makes Rey so amazing is her ability to see others as they could be despite her inability to see her own strength). It is not until Rey is captured that Finn decides to face something. However, his actions are driven to help his friend even if it puts others in danger. He lies about his knowledge the shields on Starkiller Base to have a chance to save her. His struggle is not meant for the resistance or a greater good. Finn’s identity is almost entirely tied up in Rey and thus, the loss of her is too great a cost of something he finally gained. If he has learned anything from the beginning of The Force Awakens is that sometimes facing your fears is necessary.

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Even in Finn’s confrontation with Kylo Ren, he is on the defensive. The whole fight Kylo is playing with him and Finn, without any true foundation, doesn’t stand a chance.

II. Spark

In The Last Jedi, Finn awakes and his first and only concern is Rey’s safety. He could care less that he is on board a Resistance ship or where they are going. Once the First Order is hot on their tail, his first move is to get as far away from the Resistance so Rey can be safe if/when she decides to head back to them. Finn’s identity is still wrapped up entirely in her. This is where Rose comes into play.

Rose just lost her sister and it is evident by the way she first interacts with Finn that they were close. They were so close in fact that Rose does not even hesitate in electrocuting Finn, a hero she looked up to, once she learns he plans on deserting. The two end up going on an audacious, dangerous mission (that inevitably fails and costs the Resistance) and their first stop is the casino city of Canto Bight.

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Canto Bight on the surface represents everything of which Finn could have ever dreamed. Glamorous, safe, playful, and as far away from any seeming violence as one could imagine. In a way, the locale is not typical Star Wars because if Finn does not want to be a part of the war, it does need to feel somewhat removed (and personally, I think it does feel just enough like Star Wars).  It is the perfect place for a character who wants to hide to rest his weary soul. Rose, ironically, does not see through the same rose tinted glasses. She lifts the veil for Finn and exposes the corrupt nature of such a place, that to ignore the fight usually means you are either gaining from the systematic war (profiting from weapon sales) or being oppressed by it (the slave children of Canto Bight).

They fail at every aspect of their mission. They don’t get the right code breaker; they get arrested; they almost get killed and they lose their ship. They manage to free the Falthiers, a weird cat-like deer creature that seems to come straight from a Studio Ghibli classic, and also show kindness to the enslaved children. This is where they succeed. After their animal rescue, Finn boldly claims that it was worth causing so much damage to that town. Rose responds by releasing the last Falthier while stating, “Now it is worth it.” The act of kindness mixed with their rescue of the Falthiers is a spark to the children of Canto Bight. They will become the face of the Resistance in the years to come. This echoes her final line in the film that it is not fighting what we hate but saving what we love.

If Rose clears Finn’s vision, Benicio Del Toro’s DJ muddles it. The slicer tells Finn that both sides have their evils and that not joining is the only way. Ultimately, it is DJ’s lack of loyalty to anyone that costs so many Resistance soldiers their lives and pushes Finn to make a decision of who he is in the fight. If he were to continue to run, he could sooner or later be the one selling out others to continue a false sense of security.

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Finn now has gone from a coward to someone who would willingly sacrifice himself for a cause. Though he might have found his courage and fortitude to fight, he still hadn’t learned what it means to save others. His sacrifice would have been in vain; a minor inconvenience for the First Order. (Holdo’s sacrifice was already in motion and Luke’s was an act of embracing the legend he became, lighting a spark across the galaxy.) This brings me to what I believe will be Finn’s role in Episode IX. This, of course, is speculation; however, the I believe the lesson Finn learns in The Last Jedi may lead him to become…

III. A Savior

Finn is the first storm trooper we have seen (in the films, at least) defect. I believe it is without question that the lesson Finn learned about what it means to save is a set up. In Episode IX, we will see Finn lead Storm Troopers out of the First Order and into the fight for the Resistance.  He may have ran, he may have not followed orders but now he will become the face of a hope for those forced to do evil. He will save many from themselves and this will be how the Resistance wins. Rey may be the key to Kylo’s fate but Finn is the one who will take the First Order down from the inside out.

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Growing Cynicism and Decaying Imagination

I played with Beanie Babies until I was fourteen. I would tell epic tales of bravery, of courage, of a teddy bear wearing overalls wanting to rule the world, etc. There would always be a climatic battle and then when the heroes won, I would go on to a new story. My imagination was a non-stop machine and I operated it as if I had known nothing else.

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Nanook, he was the hero of many of my stories, but most importantly, he was my friend. ❤

It wasn’t until I managed to hit 5’2″ at 14 and a half and develop a fluctuating-in-pitch voice that I discovered there was a larger world outside the one I imagined.  Mostly, girls. I mean, I knew of girls and I had various crushes up to that point. It was not that I just started noticing them, rather I thought they finally began noticing me. With such a dramatic change, I realized Beanie Babies and stories made up in my room were better served as something from my childhood — a funny anecdote to show that despite being a man (really a boy, but my perception was that I was a man) I still had a child-like spirit. Once I realized there was a larger world outside of girls (and I got married to an amazing one), my mind turned back to stories and my love for them grew even more.

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We be cute and the best story I’ve had the privilege of living. (Photo by Julie Richardson)

Though my imagination never truly died, I have noticed a growing cynicism in today’s culture. The availability of information, the growing cinematic means of serialized storytelling on television and the constant barrage of terrible news has caused us to be abrasive of many things including the art and language of storytelling. Imagination, I don’t think, is truly dead but the language it breathes is becoming that of Latin — a romanticized idea that has given birth to new languages, ones more clumsy and syncopated. This is no more evident than the growing cynicism towards the medium of cinema and stories that once were its lifeblood.

One of the more recent examples is Star Wars: The Last Jedi. While I believe there are valid arguments for execution of the story its telling, I believe the story itself is very well-thought out (and I personally love it). One of the biggest plagues to storytelling with films like The Last Jedi is that modern audiences equate plot with story. Plot is not story. Plot is like a road that takes you somewhere; story is the actual journey. There may be pot holes (get it, like plot holes) on the road but not often do those detract from the journey.

Unless, of course, you focus entirely on them.

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Vice Admiral Holdo is one point of contention for many fans.

Modern audiences have become so fixated on plot holes that they allow the whole journey to be ruined. Often the plot holes they are so obsessed with are not even plot holes because they forget they are seeing the whole picture of the journey of the characters. The characters are meant to reflect humanity. How often as humans do we make a mistake, look back and then reflect on how hindsight is 20/20?  When a character makes a choice that is problematic or another character withholds crucial information, the audience screams foul. They do not accept it as a means to an end especially when the mistakes lead to a dead end. Their lack of imagination does not fill in the blanks for them. They want to be told despite the movie showing them reasons for their actions. Otherwise, if it is not explicitly said why certain things are occurring, they feel as if the road was bumpy the whole time.

Another issue I have seen creeping up in various comment threads on Facebook and Reddit is the matter of originality. There seems to have always been a cry in the Aughts and this current decade that cinema is lacking originality. My wife and I recently went to see Lady Bird, an original story written and directed by Greta Gerwig. I love when I love a movie and I was excited to read other people’s remarks on such a touching story about a mother/daughter relationship and the departure into adulthood. The first comments I read shook me.

“Such a cliche story.”
“Not original at all.”
“It was like any other coming of age movie.”

While those sentiments may be true to some degree (Lady Bird isn’t the first to explore a woman’s coming to adulthood and it won’t be the last), it was the attitude of those that made me distraught. Something only becomes cliche when it comes from something true. If true storytelling has become cliche and thus, it must be dismissed then hopefully no one will ever pick up a pen, a microphone or a camera again.  The cynical attitude towards cliches may seem romantic in some regard.  I, myself, dabbled with the idea of avoiding cliches in my writing. There are some authors who have been wholly successful in their art of storytelling by subverting cliches and genre tropes (see George R. R. Martin); however, it is not the use of cliches that are of a detriment to a story rather it is how well they are used.

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Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf as the titular Lady Bird and her mother respectively.

Lady Bird could be bursting through the seams with cliches (it’s not) but the story itself, the characters and their journey, are entirely unique. Just as we experience similar things through life whether it is bullying, the loss of a loved one, the dissolution of friendships or the reuniting of old ones — all life cliches that don’t mean your life is inherently bad — so does the language of storytelling. Yet there is an audience, a growing one, that sees cliches and automatically dismisses it as a distrustful source of art. They dismiss the story as pointless.

It is one thing to not like a story; it is an atrocity to dismiss a story as pointless. It is one thing to like a story but dislike its execution; it is a misnomer to call it lazy. You may not understand a character’s actions or reasoning but that does not make the character weak or a plot hole. Truly, imagination is what is needed sometimes to fill those holes, to create a backstory for someone, to create a reason for a character’s motivation. The plot, the characters, the motivations are all constructs to serve the journey — the story.

With the growing serialized nature of television, it is easy to approach films as if they are to be above that medium. In many ways, television has an advantage of exploring characters in such a way that film does not. In some ways, this advantage, I believe, has caused certain audience members to feel spoiled with the riches of information and then when a film expects a viewer to imagine a reason for something or a character’s history, they feel as if they were robbed.

This growing cynicism is cultivated by an attempt to solve stories rather than listen to them. I believe imagination is one of the most amazing human abilities we have. It needs to be cultivated through learning; it needs to be watered through embracing stories and it needs to grow by freeing itself of the weeds of a cynical nature. Imagination may not be dead but if we don’t tend to its garden soon, we will become complicit in its death.

Man Fails to Cry During “Your Name”; Neighbors Concerned

Albuquerque, NM — Frederick Wilson, 32, watched the anime movie Your Name on Thursday night and failed to cry. His domestic partner, Patty Jenkins, 29, said she witnessed the lack of tears from Wilson through a somewhat blurred vision of her own due to a constant stream of tears.

“It was pretty clear he was not crying,” Jenkins said, “I am not sure what to make of this.” Jenkins went on to say that the two are currently living apart as they work through this trying time.

Wilsons’ neighbor, Tommy Chesterton, 28, said he is concerned he and his family may be living next to a psychopath. “My wife and I are considering putting our house on sale,” Chesterton said. “What kind of sick individual does not even get teary eyed at the ending of that beautiful, majestic [inaudible due to a sudden emotional breakdown]?”

In November, it was reported Wilson failed to shed a single tear during Pixar’s COCO. He also has been witnessed failing to cry during the first ten minutes of Up and the entirety of Finding Nemo. Wilson will be subject to a psych evaluation on Monday where he will be subjected to movies such as Marley and Me, Toy Story 3 and The Notebook. 


Dunkirk: Worst Batman Movie Ever

Dunkirk, a very well crafted period piece by the visionary director Christopher Nolan, may possibly be the worst Batman movie ever. During my viewing of the movie, the real life story of the battle and evacuation of Dunkirk, I was disappointed to find that Batman has less screen time than he had in The Dark Knight Rises.  Sure, there is fantastic cinematography and very excellent performances. Never has Tom Hardy been so thrilling in a vehicle since his turn in the underrated Locke; however, the decision to cast Tom Hardy in a new role in the Nolan Batman Cinematic Universe (NBCU) was a strange one. Cillian Murphy even makes an appearance as a shellshocked British soldier which is a departure from his Scarecrow role. I think for the most part it worked; at least, when I became accustomed to the changes, that is.

I feel the villains of the film could have been better defined. I felt the tension they created by shooting at the heroes and there were a couple of missed opportunities for Batman to come save the day, but we never saw their faces. It was clear Harry Styles was playing the Joseph Gordon-Levitt character from the third movie in the NBCU and I feel, despite his lack of background in acting, he did a pretty good job. Although I think his motivations were a little contrary to the way the character had been portrayed previously.

It has been an odd journey now that we are two movies deeper into the NBCU (Interstellar, being the first after The Dark Knight Rises) without actually seeing the titular character in either. While I feel both Interstellar and Dunkirk are great movies in their own right, the decision to not even feature the hero we need is a bold direction albeit a misdirected one.

Interstellar at least worked on an allegorical level about how space is the void we feel without Batman and how in time we will find him again. I don’t want to say I don’t get Dunkirk on a metaphorical level at the risk of sounding naive but I feel its message as it relates to Batman is definitively unclear and messy. Maybe in repeat viewings Christopher Nolan’s vision for the character will become more clear. For now, it is the worst Batman movie since Batman & Robin, which is the best Terminator movie ironically.

The 5 Stages of Pirates of the Caribbean

Spoilers, if you care, for Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales…Might save you from watching this movie if you read anyway.

You are at a Red Box outside of Walgreens. You have a promo code for a rent one, get one free. You rent a decent seeming action movie like Atomic Blonde and then there is not really anything else so you select Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.  You liked the first movie and Javier Bardem has made an interesting villain in the past (See No Country for Old Men and Skyfall).  You go inside Walgreens, pick up a bag of Cheetos, some beef jerky and some rum. If you’re going to watch a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, you might as well embrace your inner Jack Sparrow – *Ahem* – your inner CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.

You stumble into your home and you turn on your gaming console that doubles and is mostly used as a DVD/Blu-Ray Player. You start up the movie, sip some rum, accidentally watch previews for upcoming Disney re-releases as you fumble to skip them and then finally you hit play.

The movie begins and you see a young boy stealing something. You tuned out within the first few minutes because you got a notification about some Twitter feed highlights. Usually you ignore them, but you’re not really doing anything better at the moment.

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“Look, I’m acting!”

You look back at your screen to see Orlando Bloom floundering like a fish as he attempts to act. You realize the young boy must be his son and you wonder when that happened as he’s been a fish captain for awhile. You start to drink the rum as you begin experiencing…



The five stages of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales


You sink into the couch as you sip your rum, eat your cheetos and chew on some beef jerky. This is your lot in life. You did not choose to get the rent one, get one free promo — it chose you. You are condemned to watching the movie so you might as well turn off your brain and enjoy it. You get to the part where Jack Sparrow -*Ahem*- CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow is robbing a bank and is too drunk to remember what he is doing. You feel a smile form and you immediately feel shame. British people try to shoot at Jack but are somehow even dumber than this very dumb dummy head and they miss.

You are okay with this. You must be. It’s okay, you tell yourself as you almost choke on half-chewed jerky. You sip some rum to push it down. Then Jack’s lackeys use some horses to pull the vault from the other side. Instead of the vault breaking through the walls, the horses begin to pull the entire bank building. You think this may be the dumbest thing you have ever seen and you slip into…

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This is an actual thing. It makes Transformers look like King’s Speech.


You set down the rum. It is not enough for the abyss you now dwell within your mind. Your life is a sinking ship without some deus ex machina to save you. You wipe Cheeto dust on your shirt because nothing matters anymore.

You begin looking at your phone. You think to yourself that there are worse things you could be enduring. You think of orphans in third world countries and you pray they have not been subjected to this movie. Their lives are bad enough, you say to yourself. At this moment, Jack Sparrow is being rejected by his remaining crew…he goes and trades his magic compass for a drink. Turns out the magic compass is somehow holding back ghost Javier Bardem from going outside of a certain area of the sea, because reasons. This just slips you into a deeper, more sorrowful depression. You now wish you were the orphan child that never would see or had seen a moment of this movie. You get to the scene where Jack is about to be executed. You begin to…


His neck is in a guillotine. You see the lever, the bulky masked executioner with his hand on it and you begin to talk to the screen. You tell the man, if he somehow does not screw this situation up in some contrived manner, that you will take him out to dinner. You will make him a plaque and make sure every child on every side of the globe knows his name. You begin chewing the remaining jerky furiously. Suddenly, your dreams are crushed as someone comes to save Jack. It causes the guillotine to start to spin wildly at a vertical angle. The guillotine rises and falls with gravity and you think that maybe, just maybe this will be it. This will be the end of Jack Sparrow and you can then enjoy the movie. Image result for pirates of the caribbean dead men tell no tales guillotine gif

Every time the blade of the guillotine falls back and does not commit, you scream for justice. Your Cheetos are now a crushed powder due to your clenched fists.  You realize that you have sold your soul to something worse than the devil when Jack lives through the situation. You become so enraged. You have never felt so much…


You are so close to turning off the movie and breaking the disc. You don’t care if you have to pay for it if it saves just one person from watching this atrocity. You resist. You can’t let this movie win. You can’t let Jack Sparrow have the last laugh. You take a big swig of your rum, snort your Cheeto powder and you chew off a big piece of Jerky with such fury that you may have ate one of your teeth by mistake. Image result for angry gif

You begin live tweeting about the movie. You use hashtags like #JackSpareUsFromAnotherPiratesMovie and #PiratesoftheCaribhasbeens. You laugh manically to yourself. Your 63 follows quickly diminish as you rage tweet but you do not care. This is war.

You finally reach the credits and you enter the final phase. You are in…


You look at your phone’s clock. No way you just wasted precious hours of your life watching that garbage. You start to think to yourself that at least, at the very least the movie was over and that there would never be another one. They ended all the curses after all. You are amazed you even knew that as in your blind rage during the third act, you only watched about two minutes of the movie. Without any curses, there will be no reason for another movie. You breathe a sigh of relief. You will never have to watch another Pirates of the Caribbean movie aga–

–Wait, what’s this? An end credits scene!? It can’t be. Your eyes fixate to your screen in terror. You see Will Turner and Kierra Knightly’s character (Bella Swan or something) and your mouth is gaping, your Image result for after credits scene gifeyes are bulging and your palms are sweating. A shadow emerges into the room and it is clearly Davey Jones. It is a dream, but it isn’t really. You realize they are going to make more of these movies. You wish to be cursed to live the rest of your days in the middle of the ocean as far away as possible. As long as you still can have Cheetos.


The 5 Stages of The Last Jedi

SPOILERS WARNING. Turn back now if you have not seen The Last Jedi. A lot this won’t make sense.

You are sitting in your car. Your emotions are in conflict. You feel like Kylo Ren, except you have spilled popcorn kernels on your shirt and you aren’t shredded like him.  You start your car, you just need to drive. The process has begun and you will not be the same man once it has ended. You stop at a gas station. Lord knows you need some comfort food to get through this. They’re all out of Cheetos though so you settle for some Cool Ranch Doritos but it’s just not the same.

You are experiencing the 5 stages of The Last Jedi.


That can’t be it. There is so much more that you were expecting. You wanted, no, NEEDED a thirty minute expository scene that revealed one of your countless Snoke theories to be correct even if it did not impact the story in anyway. And Rey just being the daughter of some junk traders? How then, a girl, could she be good at anything? It’s like as if she had to find ways to survive on a barren planet for ten or more years of her life? Surely, she wouldn’t have had developed skills!  And Luke, he was infallible in the original trilogy! Like how he dismissed Yoda, or almost killed his father in a fit of rage!  He would NEVER even have a moment of temptation to do something terrible, even if he thought in that moment it would save millions of lives! Not my Luke Skywalker!


You suck some of the Cool Ranch Dorito dust off your fingers as you turn up the Dashboard Confessional song that is just hitting home in that moment. You sing a long to the words, out of key. The words carry a heavy weight in your heart as you sob silently about how Leia could never use the force even in a desperate situation. Also, you always thought that people just blew up in space despite science stating otherwise.


You find yourself on Twitter, reading hashtag posts about how Rian Johnson and Disney have destroyed your childhood. You write out a tweet about how you feel personally betrayed that Snoke bit it and that the movie dared to have humor in it. How dare Poe Dameron, a serious space pilot toy with the enemy in such a manner!? And then there’s Rose… you contemplate how to tackle her character and you settle by comparing her to the oft rightfully hated Jar Jar Binks despite the characters sharing no inherent qualities and actually being kind of a neat, world-expanding character in the Star Wars Universe. You chastise “fans” for liking the movie and you make sure the director of this travesty knows how much you hate him and his movie. You laugh to yourself as you wipe Cool Ranch Dorito dust off your touch screen. It is really stuck on there as if it became a paste while you typed furiously.

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Your face may have permanently contorted in anger similar to the picture above.

And then you remember Luke and how he thinks the Jedi tradition should end. You realize that somehow undoes the original trilogy despite the fact that stories are not static, they continue on and evolve as real history does. How could they have Luke experience a character arc without him having a real, full fledged lightsaber fight!?   Just then, you remember the Porgs and how they were marketed as a big part of the movie and though you hated them before, you hate them now because they weren’t a big part of the movie. You also think that Chewie should have ate that Porg. Chewie deserves to eat a good Porg, you say as you stuff your face with the last two Cool Ranch Dorito chips.


Some reddit commenters have the right idea, you think to yourself. One person said it should have been Admiral Ackbar, your favorite internet meme, on that kamikaze space ship. That would have made that already cool moment exponentially better, right? You also think the hacker guy should have been Lando. It would have made so much sense that the character who lead the second Death Star run was just at some casino while the rest of the galaxy was fighting.

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“Save us Ackbar, you’re our only hope.”

You also start to say, “If only they had cut the casino part of the movie entirely, that’d make the movie better.” You ask yourself what the point of that whole thing was because they failed their mission in every way. It couldn’t be that the movie has a whole theme about failure, you say to yourself. You also fantasize about how Rey should have turned to the dark side, leaving Luke to become the hero you once loved despite the story being about the new characters and not the old. You start an online petition, asking Disney to remove the movie from official canon and let George Lucas remake the new trilogy. “George would never allow such a character like Rose, the new Jar Jar Binks, to exist,” you write in the petition’s description.


You arrive at home. You sit in silence for a little bit. Your heart is broken. The movie you made in your head shattered. You look out the window of your car and you see an empty, vacant world. You shake the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos at your face, hoping for any remaining crumbs to bring you satisfaction. All you wanted was Luke to fight Snoke and die trying. Yet, that was not given to you. So many movies have cool moments that you always imagined and yet, your favorite space movie gave you different ones. You contemplate writing poetry, only to realize the only thing that rhymes with Yoda is “soda” and that does not fit the tone of it all.

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This world, you don’t recognize it. It’s a cruel, pale imitation of something familiar. You contemplate going to an island, thinking maybe that will be the only way for the truth you now know to come to realization. That it is time for Star Wars…to end. You realize that is a bit too extreme as you still love the Original Trilogy and Rogue One (because that movie didn’t add or subtract anything from the original trilogy).


You get out of your car. You realize as you walk into your home that everything you love is still there.  You find a bag of Cheetos in your pantry and now your fingers are covered in both Cheeto dust and Cool Ranch Dorito dust. You wonder why no one has ever combined the flavors. You go online, buy another ticket for The Last Jedi as you are obligated to see the movie at least three more times to validate your deep hatred for it. You drink the remaining Root Beer that you bought before the movie. It’s watered down and tastes how you imagine The Last Jedi should have tasted: a watered down version of the movies you had loved since you were a child.

You realize in that moment that maybe it is okay if other people liked the movie. Maybe they are still true Star Wars fans just as you are even though you didn’t like it. Maybe there are more than one type of story that can be enjoyed and just because it is not your cup of tea does not mean it is an invalid story to tell. You put your phone down and you put on the movies you adore just as a small child embraces a stuffed Porg, smiling from ear to ear as he walks out of a theater.

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Man Explains to Girlfriend Why Wonder Woman is an Important Movie to Her Gender

Author’s Disclaimer: SPOILERS. Don’t read if you haven’t watched the movie.

A couple was seen walking out of the Regal Cinemas Theater in West Side Albuquerque, having a one way discussion of their recent viewing of the DC Cinematic Epic titled Wonder Woman.  The man, described as having shoulders connected directly to his head unnaturally and a tribal tattoo on each limb, explained to his girlfriend that her favorite part must be the No Man’s Land sequence.

“You see babe, the cool thing about that sequence is that like everyone was telling her, ‘You can’t do it! No one can! It’s impossible!'” the boyfriend said, pausing for just a moment for dramatic effect, “then she did it.”

Artist’s Depiction of Boyfriend

The girlfriend stared straight ahead, her facial expression unwavering as she gave subtle nods signaling agreement. “Also, it’s No Man’s Land, not No Woman’s Land,” he said, gasping at his own brilliance as he dumped his in hand protein shake down his esophagus.

“Did you see how it was a woman saving the man in the movie? Not just like emotionally or spiritually either, but like physically. You never see that in movies.” He said.  “You had to have felt so empowered, babe, and just like ready to take on the challenges you must face every day as a woman.”

The boyfriend continued to explain that it was great the villain was a man. “It was a metaphor for taking down the guys who think they know better just because they’re dudes, babe. Like, how cool that must be for you to see something like that play out in a super hero movie, babe.”

“Down with the patriarchy, am I right, babe?” he said, pumping a single fist into the air.

As they approached their car, the girlfriend was overheard asking if she could drive to which the boyfriend was heard saying, “A woman driving? AS IF.”



Michael Bay to Clone Himself to Make All 14 Transformer Movies at the Same Time

In a recent interview, Michael Bay stated there were 14 more movie ideas for his beloved Transformer series after his upcoming epic, The Last Knight. Of course, Bay made sure to clarify he would be only interested in perhaps directing a spinoff, implicitly implying he is mortal. Now there have been rumblings Bay has found a means to clone himself to create all 14 Transformer movies at the same time.

“One upside is that each clone seems to progressively love explosions even more than I do,” Bay said as he lit a firecracker attached to a Bumblebee action figure. “I didn’t think that were possible.”

In fact, this is even reflected in the titles of the upcoming Transformer movies:

  1. Transformers: Gridlock by O.G. Micheal Bay
  2. Transformers 6: The Big Bang by Michael Bay 2
  3. Transformers 7: Prime Time by Michael Bay 3
  4. Transformers 8: Pride and Pre-justice by Michael Bay 4 (likes to go by Bay-Bay)
  5. Transformers: Bumblebee and the Very Bad, Terrible, Awful Explosion by Michael Bay 5
  6. Transformers 9: The Last Knight for the Second Time by Michael Bay 6
  7. Transformers 10: I Explode, You Explode, We All Explode by Michael Bay 7
  8. Transformers Explosion by Michael Bay 8
  9. Transformers 11: Blow It to Kingdom Come By Michael “Dynamite” Bay 9
  10. Transformers 12: TNT by Michael Bay 10
  11. Transformers 13: Explodey Explosion by Michael Bay 11
  12. Explosions 14: The Final Explosion by President Michael Bay 12 (This Michael Bay becomes president. His foreign policy, surprisingly, works great!)
  13. Explosions: The Second Final Explosion by Michael Bay 13
  14. Explosions Infinite by Michael Bay 14 (The movie is literally just a two hour explosion)

Bay’s producing team did state he was going too far; however, Bay replaced them with additional clones of himself.



Why You Hating The Force Awakens Does Not Make You Cool

You left the theater in 2015 – high on the fact you just watched the Millennium Falcon barrel roll through a fallen Star Destroyer, Han Solo being a curmudgeon smuggler with a heart of gold and a girl awakening to her true destiny. Sipping your soda and scrounging that popcorn bag for any remaining kernels, you tell your friends (acquaintances who were nice enough to let you come along) how awesome the movie was, how you might even rank it above Return of the Jedi and how Kylo Ren stopping that blaster fire in mid-air was epic.

A month later, while trying to use a wet paper towel to remove dusty Dorito powder on your only pair of jeans, you typed on a Subreddit how you hate The Force Awakens. It’s derivative of the Original trilogy, you said, and you complained it needed to be more original. Your comments were met with loud praise from other contrarian Redditors. You stated that Kylo Ren was a weak villain, that Rey is a Mary Sue, that Han Solo was too much a curmudgeon and that Chewbacca should have looked more aged. You also complained about Finn not given a reason to defect from the First Order, how Poe Dameron living should have been explained and how it was too convenient for Maz Kanata to have Luke’s original blue lightsaber.

You spent hours arguing with those that enjoyed the movie. Their arguments that the similar plot points are a very common thing among sequels and especially Star Wars movies have been met with your reckless abandon and fervor for the galaxy far, far away.

Your main source of nutrients have become Taco Bell, Doritos and Donuts. You started listening to Linkin Park, while debating with other people on the internet why originality in Star Wars is so important. By the third song that sounds exactly like the last two, you booted up the prequels – movies you have hated for years – and started to defend them. “Yeah, the acting  is bad and the writing is terrible and nothing makes sense but at least they aren’t trying to be the original trilogy,” you wrote on the subreddit, “Movies”. This is of course after years of you stating how the prequels should have been more like the original trilogy.

Now almost two years removed from the movie and with the release of Rogue One, you still do not feel satisfied. Not enough people understand your deep understanding of why The Force Awakens is the plague to humanity. It’s like, how can they enjoy a movie that has good pacing, great characters, an interesting set up for future movies!? Your friend, Mikey Joe Flannigan, still even watches The Force Awakens now and again. He even goes as far as saying that the movie is his third favorite Star Wars movie!  You contemplate how to build a lightsaber or if you are force sensitive yourself to do a Jedi Mind Trick. That’s another thing. You say you hated how Rey learned so quickly to do a Jedi Mind Trick.

The Force Awakens didn’t even have Luke Skywalker in it aside from his staredown.
Kylo Ren was so weak during that last fight!*
Rey knows how to do too many things!**
Captain Phasma does not even do anything!

You will continue to defend your stance against The Force Awakens. Until of course, The Last Jedi trailer drops…

*Kylo Ren was shot by Chewie’s Bowcaster. Something that was established throughout the movie (through visual storytelling, no less) as being a powerful weapon! To say Kylo Ren was weak during the fight is stupid. Finn was on the defensive the whole time and Rey only got the best of him because he got too arrogant.
**Rey is a scavenger. She scavenges technology from fallen ships. One could assume she’d learn about what the things she scavenges do. Also, when flying the Falcon, she is very clumsy about it – often hitting things as she goes past them even. Also, it is not until she starts to learn how to embrace her force nature does she become better. Kylo Ren even says that they cannot allow her to learn of her true power after she escapes.



Avengers: Real World – What if the Avengers had real jobs?

From Captain America’s boy scout spirit to Scarlet Witches’ completely authentic, believable accent, the Avengers have really cemented their foothold in the realm of cinema.  Awhile ago, it was announced there were to be two Avengers movies filming back-to-back. It was then announced that the first one would be Avengers: Infinity War; leaving the second for us to just speculate what it will be called and what, more importantly, it will be about.

Well, look no further! Turns out that after an infinite war, the Avengers decide to hang up their capes and pursue more quiet lives. That’s right! Wouldn’t you want to just relax on the couch, turn on some Netflix and binge the latest Gilmore Girls season after an infinite war?  The fourth Avengers movie is reportedly called, Avengers: Real World and it follows the Avengers as they tackle the average day-to-day life as a citizen of the earth.  Take this report with a grain of salt as it comes from the same place Donald Trump got the wiretapping info. Let’s break down the Avengers’ new roles in society!


Captain America a.k.a Steve Rogers a.k.a Walmart Greeter

Steve, being a World War II veteran, found himself really struggling on how to make it into the fast paced world of the twenty-first century. Sure, he’s fought aliens and stopped covert spy organizations from taking over the world but when you don’t know how to even use Microsoft Word, what can you do?

Captain.jpgThere are many things Steve loves about the job. He loves making $8.00 an hour whereas he might earn that much in a week of shining shoes back in Brooklyn.  Paid breaks? Why back in his day, breaks were for those who didn’t want to eat the next day! A lot of the newly-single widows will flirt with him too and after Peggy, he could use some antiquated love.  Also, for a couple of days, he found himself mesmerized by the automatic doors.

Of course, with such a job, there are things of which he is not so fond. Like, why is the establishment open on the Lord’s day? Women are shopping and using money they earned THEMSELVES? Where are their husbands? Steve, being the polite man he is, does not voice these qualms except at the local pub after work where he throws darts with a man named Jonah Gleeson. Jonah, tatted on both arms and all over his bald head, is not normally someone  with whom Steve would associate. However, Jonah often nods in agreement with the Captain’s sentiments. He says it’s just nice to have someone who listens.

Wanda Maximoff a.k.a Scarlet Witch a.k.a Hot Topic Sales Associate

Wanda never really had time to mourn the death of her brother. One moment he was sporting his track suit alive and the next he was sporting it with bullet holes – not so alive. Ever since the first time she bought a stylish ruby red leather jacket from Hot Topic, she knew she wanted to work there. It was a place where others who had experienced loss shopped. Sure, her coworker Susie Jones only really lost her boyfriend of 3 months, Derek but Wanda could tell by her thoughts how devastated she truly was.


Wanda has really come to identify with the patrons of the store and even the broken down parents dragged into the store by them. Her favorite part of the job is the screaming music. She does not really know what they are saying, but she identifies with the screaming part as she does so internally. She also likes how helpful she can be. Instead of having to get a ladder to get items down from the shelves, she can just use her telekinesis. Her boss even said that if she keeps up the good work, she might be up for a raise! Of course, knowing her luck, she believes that a bomb or machine gun turret will ruin those chances.

Bruce Banner a.k.a The Hulk a.k.a Struggling Lifestyle Coach

Ever since Bruce’s accident, he has struggled to connect with his own emotions. It was always easy to get mad but after counseling, he learned this was due to his inability to cope with other emotions. Through years of work, Bruce found a passion for others. He has become a lifestyle coach and unfortunately, he’s just not very good at it. Thankfully, he has learned to control his anger but now he needs to learn how to cope with his sadness.


In one of his client’s sessions, Bruce broke down mid-sentence and became a pink blob of goo called the Sulk. The Sulk’s only true power is its ability to throw pity parties to which no one wanted an invite but he’ll drag you into one with the force of a semi-truck.

Bruce still sees Natasha Romanoff from time to time. She has grown increasingly distant though. It’s like she doesn’t even try to understand the complex human Bruce is. Bruce believes once he completes his self-help book entitled, From Hulk to Hunk, things will turn around.

Natasha Romanoff a.k.a Black Widow a.k.a Starbucks Barista

It is tough to find work as an ex-assassin. Thankfully, Starbucks in 2017 began a program to hire 10,000 ex-assassins by 2022. Sure, it was met with backlash about Starbucks not hiring veterans instead  but she could not complain about having an actual job opportunity.

Natasha gets along great with all the other employees. She did have a bit of trouble with Mikey Joe Flannagan, her 17-year-old supervisor, but no one has heard from him in a couple of weeks since their big tiff at work. One of Natasha’s favorite things to do is write customer’s names wrong when they’re rude and also break their legs after hours.


Natasha keeps talking about owning her own franchise someday. The other baristas always ask if she means a coffee shop to which she responds after wistfully looking up towards the sky, “Yeah, sure. I guess.”

???? a.k.a Arrow Guy a.k.a Camp Counselor/Substitute P.E. Teacher


This guy became a substitute P.E. Teacher and a Summer Camp Counselor. He calls up his old buddies from the Avengers but either no one answers or they tell him that he must have the wrong number. Also, no one understands why he keeps introducing himself as “Hot Guy”. How conceited can this guy get?!

Thor a.k.a Politician

Thor settled down on earth and when he saw how poorly the world was ran, he decided to step up and do something about it. His natural disconnect from humanity made becoming a politician an organic choice. Using Mjölnir, he often causes rainstorms and lightening to storm out his opponents’ rallies.


There is a large movement for Thor to run for President in 2020. Trump keeps accusing the Avengers, namely Thor, of leaking his ties with Hydra which to him is a much more egregious crime. Lately, Trump has been pushing that Thor does not have a legitimate birth certificate to which Thor replies, “Birth? What is this birth?”

Tony Stark a.k.a Iron Man a.k.a. Ghost Trolling an Apple Store

When Tony Stark sacrificed himself at the end of Infinity War (Oops! Spoiler alert!), he did not realize that he would be damned as a specter over a local Apple Store. Every time he tries to leave, he ends up back at the Genius Bar. The only thing Tony can do to pass his eternal punishment is try to get Siri to insult random customers as they walk by or stalk Pepper Pott’s Facebook page. Every time a new iPhone drops, Tony materializes so he can buy it.  He might be dead, but he’s still capable of keeping up with the living.