Man Explains to Girlfriend Why Wonder Woman is an Important Movie to Her Gender

Author’s Disclaimer: SPOILERS. Don’t read if you haven’t watched the movie.

A couple was seen walking out of the Regal Cinemas Theater in West Side Albuquerque, having a one way discussion of their recent viewing of the DC Cinematic Epic titled Wonder Woman.  The man, described as having shoulders connected directly to his head unnaturally and a tribal tattoo on each limb, explained to his girlfriend that her favorite part must be the No Man’s Land sequence.

“You see babe, the cool thing about that sequence is that like everyone was telling her, ‘You can’t do it! No one can! It’s impossible!'” the boyfriend said, pausing for just a moment for dramatic effect, “then she did it.”

Artist’s Depiction of Boyfriend

The girlfriend stared straight ahead, her facial expression unwavering as she gave subtle nods signaling agreement. “Also, it’s No Man’s Land, not No Woman’s Land,” he said, gasping at his own brilliance as he dumped his in hand protein shake down his esophagus.

“Did you see how it was a woman saving the man in the movie? Not just like emotionally or spiritually either, but like physically. You never see that in movies.” He said.  “You had to have felt so empowered, babe, and just like ready to take on the challenges you must face every day as a woman.”

The boyfriend continued to explain that it was great the villain was a man. “It was a metaphor for taking down the guys who think they know better just because they’re dudes, babe. Like, how cool that must be for you to see something like that play out in a super hero movie, babe.”

“Down with the patriarchy, am I right, babe?” he said, pumping a single fist into the air.

As they approached their car, the girlfriend was overheard asking if she could drive to which the boyfriend was heard saying, “A woman driving? AS IF.”




Michael Bay to Clone Himself to Make All 14 Transformer Movies at the Same Time

In a recent interview, Michael Bay stated there were 14 more movie ideas for his beloved Transformer series after his upcoming epic, The Last Knight. Of course, Bay made sure to clarify he would be only interested in perhaps directing a spinoff, implicitly implying he is mortal. Now there have been rumblings Bay has found a means to clone himself to create all 14 Transformer movies at the same time.

“One upside is that each clone seems to progressively love explosions even more than I do,” Bay said as he lit a firecracker attached to a Bumblebee action figure. “I didn’t think that were possible.”

In fact, this is even reflected in the titles of the upcoming Transformer movies:

  1. Transformers: Gridlock by O.G. Micheal Bay
  2. Transformers 6: The Big Bang by Michael Bay 2
  3. Transformers 7: Prime Time by Michael Bay 3
  4. Transformers 8: Pride and Pre-justice by Michael Bay 4 (likes to go by Bay-Bay)
  5. Transformers: Bumblebee and the Very Bad, Terrible, Awful Explosion by Michael Bay 5
  6. Transformers 9: The Last Knight for the Second Time by Michael Bay 6
  7. Transformers 10: I Explode, You Explode, We All Explode by Michael Bay 7
  8. Transformers Explosion by Michael Bay 8
  9. Transformers 11: Blow It to Kingdom Come By Michael “Dynamite” Bay 9
  10. Transformers 12: TNT by Michael Bay 10
  11. Transformers 13: Explodey Explosion by Michael Bay 11
  12. Explosions 14: The Final Explosion by President Michael Bay 12 (This Michael Bay becomes president. His foreign policy, surprisingly, works great!)
  13. Explosions: The Second Final Explosion by Michael Bay 13
  14. Explosions Infinite by Michael Bay 14 (The movie is literally just a two hour explosion)

Bay’s producing team did state he was going too far; however, Bay replaced them with additional clones of himself.



Why You Hating The Force Awakens Does Not Make You Cool

You left the theater in 2015 – high on the fact you just watched the Millennium Falcon barrel roll through a fallen Star Destroyer, Han Solo being a curmudgeon smuggler with a heart of gold and a girl awakening to her true destiny. Sipping your soda and scrounging that popcorn bag for any remaining kernels, you tell your friends (acquaintances who were nice enough to let you come along) how awesome the movie was, how you might even rank it above Return of the Jedi and how Kylo Ren stopping that blaster fire in mid-air was epic.

A month later, while trying to use a wet paper towel to remove dusty Dorito powder on your only pair of jeans, you typed on a Subreddit how you hate The Force Awakens. It’s derivative of the Original trilogy, you said, and you complained it needed to be more original. Your comments were met with loud praise from other contrarian Redditors. You stated that Kylo Ren was a weak villain, that Rey is a Mary Sue, that Han Solo was too much a curmudgeon and that Chewbacca should have looked more aged. You also complained about Finn not given a reason to defect from the First Order, how Poe Dameron living should have been explained and how it was too convenient for Maz Kanata to have Luke’s original blue lightsaber.

You spent hours arguing with those that enjoyed the movie. Their arguments that the similar plot points are a very common thing among sequels and especially Star Wars movies have been met with your reckless abandon and fervor for the galaxy far, far away.

Your main source of nutrients have become Taco Bell, Doritos and Donuts. You started listening to Linkin Park, while debating with other people on the internet why originality in Star Wars is so important. By the third song that sounds exactly like the last two, you booted up the prequels – movies you have hated for years – and started to defend them. “Yeah, the acting  is bad and the writing is terrible and nothing makes sense but at least they aren’t trying to be the original trilogy,” you wrote on the subreddit, “Movies”. This is of course after years of you stating how the prequels should have been more like the original trilogy.

Now almost two years removed from the movie and with the release of Rogue One, you still do not feel satisfied. Not enough people understand your deep understanding of why The Force Awakens is the plague to humanity. It’s like, how can they enjoy a movie that has good pacing, great characters, an interesting set up for future movies!? Your friend, Mikey Joe Flannigan, still even watches The Force Awakens now and again. He even goes as far as saying that the movie is his third favorite Star Wars movie!  You contemplate how to build a lightsaber or if you are force sensitive yourself to do a Jedi Mind Trick. That’s another thing. You say you hated how Rey learned so quickly to do a Jedi Mind Trick.

The Force Awakens didn’t even have Luke Skywalker in it aside from his staredown.
Kylo Ren was so weak during that last fight!*
Rey knows how to do too many things!**
Captain Phasma does not even do anything!

You will continue to defend your stance against The Force Awakens. Until of course, The Last Jedi trailer drops…

*Kylo Ren was shot by Chewie’s Bowcaster. Something that was established throughout the movie (through visual storytelling, no less) as being a powerful weapon! To say Kylo Ren was weak during the fight is stupid. Finn was on the defensive the whole time and Rey only got the best of him because he got too arrogant.
**Rey is a scavenger. She scavenges technology from fallen ships. One could assume she’d learn about what the things she scavenges do. Also, when flying the Falcon, she is very clumsy about it – often hitting things as she goes past them even. Also, it is not until she starts to learn how to embrace her force nature does she become better. Kylo Ren even says that they cannot allow her to learn of her true power after she escapes.



Avengers: Real World – What if the Avengers had real jobs?

From Captain America’s boy scout spirit to Scarlet Witches’ completely authentic, believable accent, the Avengers have really cemented their foothold in the realm of cinema.  Awhile ago, it was announced there were to be two Avengers movies filming back-to-back. It was then announced that the first one would be Avengers: Infinity War; leaving the second for us to just speculate what it will be called and what, more importantly, it will be about.

Well, look no further! Turns out that after an infinite war, the Avengers decide to hang up their capes and pursue more quiet lives. That’s right! Wouldn’t you want to just relax on the couch, turn on some Netflix and binge the latest Gilmore Girls season after an infinite war?  The fourth Avengers movie is reportedly called, Avengers: Real World and it follows the Avengers as they tackle the average day-to-day life as a citizen of the earth.  Take this report with a grain of salt as it comes from the same place Donald Trump got the wiretapping info. Let’s break down the Avengers’ new roles in society!


Captain America a.k.a Steve Rogers a.k.a Walmart Greeter

Steve, being a World War II veteran, found himself really struggling on how to make it into the fast paced world of the twenty-first century. Sure, he’s fought aliens and stopped covert spy organizations from taking over the world but when you don’t know how to even use Microsoft Word, what can you do?

Captain.jpgThere are many things Steve loves about the job. He loves making $8.00 an hour whereas he might earn that much in a week of shining shoes back in Brooklyn.  Paid breaks? Why back in his day, breaks were for those who didn’t want to eat the next day! A lot of the newly-single widows will flirt with him too and after Peggy, he could use some antiquated love.  Also, for a couple of days, he found himself mesmerized by the automatic doors.

Of course, with such a job, there are things of which he is not so fond. Like, why is the establishment open on the Lord’s day? Women are shopping and using money they earned THEMSELVES? Where are their husbands? Steve, being the polite man he is, does not voice these qualms except at the local pub after work where he throws darts with a man named Jonah Gleeson. Jonah, tatted on both arms and all over his bald head, is not normally someone  with whom Steve would associate. However, Jonah often nods in agreement with the Captain’s sentiments. He says it’s just nice to have someone who listens.

Wanda Maximoff a.k.a Scarlet Witch a.k.a Hot Topic Sales Associate

Wanda never really had time to mourn the death of her brother. One moment he was sporting his track suit alive and the next he was sporting it with bullet holes – not so alive. Ever since the first time she bought a stylish ruby red leather jacket from Hot Topic, she knew she wanted to work there. It was a place where others who had experienced loss shopped. Sure, her coworker Susie Jones only really lost her boyfriend of 3 months, Derek but Wanda could tell by her thoughts how devastated she truly was.


Wanda has really come to identify with the patrons of the store and even the broken down parents dragged into the store by them. Her favorite part of the job is the screaming music. She does not really know what they are saying, but she identifies with the screaming part as she does so internally. She also likes how helpful she can be. Instead of having to get a ladder to get items down from the shelves, she can just use her telekinesis. Her boss even said that if she keeps up the good work, she might be up for a raise! Of course, knowing her luck, she believes that a bomb or machine gun turret will ruin those chances.

Bruce Banner a.k.a The Hulk a.k.a Struggling Lifestyle Coach

Ever since Bruce’s accident, he has struggled to connect with his own emotions. It was always easy to get mad but after counseling, he learned this was due to his inability to cope with other emotions. Through years of work, Bruce found a passion for others. He has become a lifestyle coach and unfortunately, he’s just not very good at it. Thankfully, he has learned to control his anger but now he needs to learn how to cope with his sadness.


In one of his client’s sessions, Bruce broke down mid-sentence and became a pink blob of goo called the Sulk. The Sulk’s only true power is its ability to throw pity parties to which no one wanted an invite but he’ll drag you into one with the force of a semi-truck.

Bruce still sees Natasha Romanoff from time to time. She has grown increasingly distant though. It’s like she doesn’t even try to understand the complex human Bruce is. Bruce believes once he completes his self-help book entitled, From Hulk to Hunk, things will turn around.

Natasha Romanoff a.k.a Black Widow a.k.a Starbucks Barista

It is tough to find work as an ex-assassin. Thankfully, Starbucks in 2017 began a program to hire 10,000 ex-assassins by 2022. Sure, it was met with backlash about Starbucks not hiring veterans instead  but she could not complain about having an actual job opportunity.

Natasha gets along great with all the other employees. She did have a bit of trouble with Mikey Joe Flannagan, her 17-year-old supervisor, but no one has heard from him in a couple of weeks since their big tiff at work. One of Natasha’s favorite things to do is write customer’s names wrong when they’re rude and also break their legs after hours.


Natasha keeps talking about owning her own franchise someday. The other baristas always ask if she means a coffee shop to which she responds after wistfully looking up towards the sky, “Yeah, sure. I guess.”

???? a.k.a Arrow Guy a.k.a Camp Counselor/Substitute P.E. Teacher


This guy became a substitute P.E. Teacher and a Summer Camp Counselor. He calls up his old buddies from the Avengers but either no one answers or they tell him that he must have the wrong number. Also, no one understands why he keeps introducing himself as “Hot Guy”. How conceited can this guy get?!

Thor a.k.a Politician

Thor settled down on earth and when he saw how poorly the world was ran, he decided to step up and do something about it. His natural disconnect from humanity made becoming a politician an organic choice. Using Mjölnir, he often causes rainstorms and lightening to storm out his opponents’ rallies.


There is a large movement for Thor to run for President in 2020. Trump keeps accusing the Avengers, namely Thor, of leaking his ties with Hydra which to him is a much more egregious crime. Lately, Trump has been pushing that Thor does not have a legitimate birth certificate to which Thor replies, “Birth? What is this birth?”

Tony Stark a.k.a Iron Man a.k.a. Ghost Trolling an Apple Store

When Tony Stark sacrificed himself at the end of Infinity War (Oops! Spoiler alert!), he did not realize that he would be damned as a specter over a local Apple Store. Every time he tries to leave, he ends up back at the Genius Bar. The only thing Tony can do to pass his eternal punishment is try to get Siri to insult random customers as they walk by or stalk Pepper Pott’s Facebook page. Every time a new iPhone drops, Tony materializes so he can buy it.  He might be dead, but he’s still capable of keeping up with the living.


The FIVE Stages of a DC Trailer

The new DC trailer just dropped. Your phone alerts you and you wipe the Cheeto dust off your fingers to prevent even more Cheeto dust clouding the screen of your phone. A sweat materializes just above your brow and runs down the side of your face. Your heart races and you think to yourself, “This could be it. This could be the one.”

The video loads, it buffers for a moment and the first visual comes onto screen; so far so good. There’s brooding in it; flaccid attempts at humor; a stylistic shot of the hero(es) and some dialogue that makes the stakes seem higher than they will be. The trailer ends and you replay it several more times. You then digress into what can only be summed up as the five stages of a DCEU (DC Extended Universe) trailer


You are sure it’s great. The trailer had everything you wanted to see. It had your favorite characters in it. They brooded while also punching faceless villains. The hero quips with other characters that might be funny in context.  There may have even been a few shots with color in them. You even feel the hair stand up on your arms at the money shot of the trailer. Whether it is Aquaman riding on the hood of the Batmobile or Wonder Woman making Batman a sandwich, this trailer has you excited. This could be the one that changes every nay-sayer’s mind and re-affirm your own fledgling doubts that there could be a good, let alone great DC movie.


You share it on Facebook and Twitter, commenting that you are hopeful. You might even include a remark like, “I didn’t hate the last DC movies but this one looks fantastic!” Or you may remark on a specific shot of the trailer, “Did you see that awesome sandwich Wonder Woman made for Batman?!” (Okay, I will stop the Wonder Woman making Batman sandwiches joke but you know she’d be really, really good at it. She might even use WONDER bread. I will see myself out.)

You begin to get comments on your post from trusted friends and from people who did not know Batman was not part of the Avengers. This leads to the second stage…


Your best friend, Mikey Joe Flannigan, comments saying that it does not look good. Your eyes widen. HOW COULD MIKEY JOE FLANNIGAN BETRAY YOUR SWORN TRUST? WERE YOU NOT ALLIES IN THE GREAT SUSIE-JONNY BREAKUP SOPHOMORE YEAR?! DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE SAME TRAILER? “It’s okay, breathe,” you tell yourself. Your bag of Cheetos is now empty and this only fuels your rage. You begin to type, explaining the nuances that one needs to understand to understand the masterpiece of footage clipped together (in what will probably be better editing than the actual mopqcxxM8vie). A small part of you debates on whether telling that bastard Mikey Joe Flannigan that your friendship is on the line but you resist. Your Aunt Frieda comments, asking how you are – not anything pertaining to the actual film. She always does this. You fight every fiber in your being to tell Aunt Frieda that this is not the time nor place. You just do not comment back.

More people comment.  Some are experiencing similar feelings and go for Mikey Joe Flannigan’s precious throat with such biting remarks like, “Marvel Fanboy” or “Do you just want movies made for kids?” You feel vindicated. To subside your anger and prove to yourself Mikey Joe Flannigan is wrong, you watch the trailer again. You begin to notice things Mikey Joe Flannigan pointed out. You begin to…


“There’s so much the trailer has not shown that will put things into context.”
“They have months to make sure the CGI is better.”
“Wonder Woman’s acting will be better. You can’t just judge acting by voice over lines in a trailer.”
“Zack Snyder learned from his mistakes in Batman V Superman.”

“Bring me the head of Marvel and I will make a good movie.”

These are just a couple of the things you are telling yourself. You start to become increasingly worried with each passing phrase. You try to trade your reservations for reasons why they are unnecessary. You even start to google rituals to ensure movies are good. Apparently, ancient black magic practices have not yet advanced to have persuasion over motion pictures. There’s something that involves cutting your own toes off that might just work but you are not sure where to find a Newt.


You begin to plead with a photograph of Zack Snyder on Instagram. You say to his smiling, carefree face that you will donate the blood of orphans to ensure the quality of the movie.  Your sobs become audible. The tears stream down your crumpled-up face. You are all out of tissue from the last time you went through this. You have slipped into…


“I need to bathe in my own filth to wash the stench of that trailer off of me.”

You turn off your phone and sit in silence. It vibrates as more people comment, arguing with one another about the movie. You contemplate your past experiences and know that you are going to be disappointed once again. You write a note to your loved ones but crumple it up – they will only call your contemplation of boycotting all DC movies as a cry of attention. You look at your exes’ pictures and how that relationship was the Suicide Squad of relationships: it was fun but it lacked any substance. You begin to write a poem but think better of it. The first line of the first stanza reads: “How thou hast ripened expectations only to sour reality.”

giphy2.gifYour depression cripples you. Whereas your hero, Batman, uses his cause of depression to fight crime, you can barely fight the urge to eat the comfort food in your pantry.  You are a lost soul in a world where DC movies just are not that good. You look in the mirror. You realize there might be something out there. There could be hope. You have found…


You realize that at the end of the day, the new DC movie does not matter all that much. You go outside. You realize there is a whole world around you. The sun is shining and you are breathing. You might even begin to dance or sing a little. There are people suffering in the world and you are concerned about a trailer? How utterly trivial! I mean, you already know that no matter what…you are still going to see the movie and be disappointed. You might as well just live in between.